I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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