You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
