i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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