I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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