Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
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afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
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There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
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