Little spoons don't ask big questions
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
