I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
