the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
