thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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