Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
