Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
