You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Randomize
