I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
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