just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
