Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
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