Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
