Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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