ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Randomize
