Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
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