i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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