My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
