If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
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