Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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