Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
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