One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Randomize
