i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
