If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
True strength comes from lack of pants
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize