Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
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