i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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