I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Randomize
