I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
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