there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
i need an iv and a liver transplant
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
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At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
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