The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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