I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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