Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Randomize
