hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Are we still banned from the library?
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Randomize
