I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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