if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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