I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
