Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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