I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Randomize
