God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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