"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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