3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
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Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
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But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize