clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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