i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
