While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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