im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
