Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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