Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
40s are totally the cure
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize
