Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
21 People Reveal The Most Embarrassing Secrets They Know About Someone
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.