I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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