I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
