i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
