Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
