Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Randomize
