8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
