I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
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